No Wonder It's On Sale: the Anthropologie Shoes Edition

The entire lifestyle and aesthetic schemes that Anthropologie stores sell are so fascinating, one cannot help but be sucked in. If you've ever seen their window displays, you'll know what I mean. Unfortunately, things have gone a little wonky with the actual apparel Anthropologie is selling on their website, particularly the shoes. Now, I adore about seventy percent of the shoes, so much so that I want to put them in my mouth to see if they actually TASTE like sweet, sweet candy. The remaining thirty percent, on the other hand, are somewhat hideous, to a shocking degree. Anthropologie, really, if you WANT gorgeously fabulous girls to live your deliriously sunshine-y, vanilla-cupcake-y, traipsing around Europe in a beret, pumps, and giant appliqued flowers lifestyle, try to stop convincing us we need to look like hobos or The Incredible Rubber-Bendy Woman.

So, instead of visiting every store in my area to yell at the innocent (but undeniably adorable) shopgirls about how some of their shoes make me feel like fire-ants have crawled under my eyelids, I shall use this lovely blog to publicly scold Anthropologie. Case in point number one:
The Angitia sandal, described as "bedecked with teardrops of bronze tower above a roman column of smoky stacked wood," which is, in fact, grammatically incorrect. Teardrops of bronze tower? Really? Nothing about this shoe screams "ROME!" to me, except for perhaps the discomfort they would cause one's feet and the vast amount of dirt collecting between one's toes.

Next, we have the Sequoia boot...pant...shinguard...leggings:
It's just too creepy. I cannot handle the Mystery of the Phantom Boot/Disembodied Leg of a Page-Boy right now, you guys. Oh, and thanks for that note that the LACES are decorative, Anthropologie, I would have been sorely disappointed to see that I couldn't actually tie up my new, zombie-flesh-colored boogings. Boogings, or Loots? Which do you prefer?

There was another heinous pair of orange knit boots that was a travesty against womankind, but these regularly-priced "Aspen" boots will have to suffice in their place:
Oh, hooray for the Yuppie Moccasin Boot! Doesn't it sort of make the feet look like the Quaker Oats Grandpa? No?

Now that you have survived the Hall of Horrors, feast your eyes upon the "half-spat" boots...

I physically yearn for them. Augh. THOSE are the kind of kick-ass, take-no-prisoners, kill-a-guy-with-a-sideways-glance kinda boots that a real woman needs. If only they were on sale, and not the hobo shoes!

images from anthropologie.com.