Style and Celebrity: A Study of the 2007 Golden Globes

Dear readers, allow me to preface this short photo-essay by saying that I refuse to watch awards shows on television. If I wanted to watch celebrities pat themselves on the back, I would go live in LA. Also, Ryan Seacrest is a waste of good oxygenated air.

Now, a message to all the celebrities out there: well done, people, you managed to get to the Golden Globes, drink, clap and smile beatifically for several hours. I certainly would high-tail it out of there after the red carpet--whose strappy heels weren't digging into their precious insured feet, or stylist-recommended "invisible" underwear riding up ever so awkwardly after that kind of ordeal? I applaud your resolve and stamina, I do.

Shall we begin? I believe the proper etiquette is for us to start with the unaccompanied ladies and minors. Behold, Sarah Jessica Parker:

I'm fairly sure many women my age still harbor some love in their hearts for SJP from her days on Sex and the City, but my shriveled coal-tar heart says she has a horse-face and should generally avoid wearing dresses the same color as her skin, albeit with a bit of glitter and bland tailoring. SJP also appears to be declaring war on her own neck, and perhaps got too involved in a slumber-party bout of "light as a feather, stiff as a board." Sarah Jessica, really, darling, don't you know that your best feature and most flattering accessory will always be that ADORABLE husband of yours?

Moving on, we have Exhibit B, Reese Witherspoon:

Obviously, a photographer asked Reese about Ryan Phillippe, and all she could do was revert to being a twelve-year-old girl, give him The Hand, and say "OH NO YOU DIDN'T." We shall never speak of Ryan ever again, but Reese, what happened to your fabulous vintage style? What is this sunshine-yellow nonsense all about? Your fashion behavior tempts me to make a new rule: never wear a color brighter than your own hair color, because it will make you look drab and blah. Rule made.

Next, the ever-so-fabulously-bodied Beyonce Knowles:

Unfortunately, Beyonce's original event gown was stuck in traffic and she was forced to craft a dress out of leftover hair extensions and glitter. Call it a modern, urban interpretation of Lady Godiva, if you will. I will begrudge her some originality points, however, since she's actually posing in a flattering (if theatrical) manner AND glamorously accessorized--good call on the gold cuff, BK!

Last in the unaccompanied ladies category, Teri Hatcher:

Why does she always look like one or more of the following:
1. drunk
2. stoned
3. a man?

Our next category is couples. First up, the two I have crowned King and Queen of the 2007 Golden Globes, Watanabe Ken and his lovely wife, Minami Kaho:

GLORIOUS. Take a lesson from their book, American movie stars, and wear things that are well-tailored and bespoke. It's really not all that hard. I'm looking particularly at these two, just to compare:

Come on now, you two. Angelina, being covered in tattoos is not classy (although the jury is still out on matching your gown to your tattoos), nor is transforming the formerly hot Brad Pitt into a young Robert Redford. NOT. CLASSY. You two are supposed to be the World's Greatest Philanthractors! Please act like it. Watanabe Ken, you may lead by example.

Next on my list are Kiefer Sutherland and the actress who plays Jack Bauer's too-skinny girlfriend on 24.

I will bet you five dollars that they just watched the video of Kiefer diving onto a Christmas tree on a very large screen. Awesome.

Last but not least, by far my most favorite same-sex couple photographed at the Globes...Martin Scorcese and Steven Spielberg.

Scorcese says, "OH HAHA SPIELBERG, I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN." My goodness.

Overall, I was happy that my heroine Helen Mirren won some very deserved awards. My homegirl Mariska Hargitay and serial killer boyfriend Dexter, however, were totally shafted and I will never forgive the Hollywood Foreign Press until they win next year. Did you hear that, guys? WIN NEXT YEAR.

(All photos from Reuters and/or Yahoo!.)